CHALLENGES OF FREEDOM/INHERITANCE OF PRISON

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CHALLENGES OF FREEDOM/INHERITANCE OF PRISON

While in prison I got involved in networking because I thought it was important for me and other inmates to share information. I obtained information about The Coming Home Program at  St. Luke’s Mount Sanai Hospital. The program is designed to assist formerly incarcerated people with healthcare and a variety of other basic services. So far, they have been a huge help to me. I am seeing a therapist which is extremely helpful. I am now receiving Medicaid and have applied for other benefits to assist me until I am able to obtain employment which has been challenging at times.

I find that I am not as sad when I am able to talk to groups of people. It’s when I’m alone that I feel a sense of emptiness and sadness. It’s that period where I think of Willie. Almost like someone being in the military where some make it home and some don’t, unfortunately. I think I suffer at times from survivor’s guilt. Other problems I have encountered is getting up at 5am every morning. For most of my time in prison, I was so used to getting up at that time, but I am finding it more difficult these days because I am usually the only person awake at that time. Because I don’t want to roam through the apartment, or turn on the television at such an early hour, I often just lay in bed doing nothing. Prior to my release, I had a choice to make. Either I check into a shelter or move in with my mom. I chose my mom for a number of reasons. I simply did not want to go to a shelter which is akin to being in prison. Besides, I know that ,my mom and family were looking forward to me staying with them. I am currently living with my mom, two sisters, niece and nephew so the apartment is very crowded.

I am gaining more confidence using public transportation. The adjustment of standing on train platforms while people are constantly walking behind you is something that has taken me quite a while to get used to. Adapting to technology is probably the most challenging for me but I think I’m making strides. I did a lot of reading while in prison so I had an idea of what social media was like but reading and actually experiencing technology for real are two entirely different things. I’ve been warned by family and friends to not put any personal information the internet because people could steal your identity, etc.

In prison, as opposed to the outside world, when things go bad there is no place to go. Prison for some is a safe-haven. But for others, it is a place of despair. Someone asked me what I most wanted to do after I’m released from prison. I simply said that I would like to walk down the street freely without having to look over my shoulder. In contrast, in prison, one always has to look over his shoulder because you never know when you may be the target of someone who is looking to make a name for himself. Prison is a microcosm of society in that the bad things that occur on the outside happen in prison as well, but hardly any of the good things.

Although I am currently sharing a room with my nephew Aaron, it is nowhere near the living quarters that I was subjected to in prison. During the twenty plus years I spent in a cell, I had never had to share space with anyone . The cells were so small I could barely move and what is even more awful is that the toilet is about an inch or two from where I laid my head to sleep. In the summer it was often hot in the cell and in the winter is was very cold, where it seemed the heat was deliberately turned off. Even sharing a room with my nephew is nothing like being in a prison cell or dormitory, where I shared living quarters with 49 other inmates. The danger of living in such conditions is the constant threat of violence. It was very easy for someone to throw hot baby oil on someone while they were sleeping. The noise was often unbearable and was not much that could be done about that. My only recourse for that was to put my headphones on and listen to my radio while blocking out the noise a little bit. I am blessed to have a very mature nephew who has given me my space. I thank him for that nearly every day.

I can tell you that it is very difficult to find a job. Unlike someone who is released on parole and automatically provided with the most basic of services and reentry opportunities, someone who is exonerated is not provided with basic services and opportunities. Filling out a job applications is tricky because of the one question that is often asked “Have you ever been convicted of a crime?” I guess the answer to the question has to be yes but with an explanation, if possible. Unfortunately, filling out a job application doesn’t work that way in the real world. Even though I was exonerated, finding a job has been difficult. Much so, that I took a volunteer position at the Manhattan Legal Aid Society. In my mind, the biggest difference between prison and the outside world is the ability to have choices; something that I did not have for 29 years.

In the nearly six months that I have been out of prison, I have conducted a couple of job interviews with more to come. For the first time in my life going through that process was an eye-opening experience. What made my interviews easier was my ability to represent my resume. I learned to prepare for the interviews through conversations with many of my friends in the educational field. My first job interview lasted nearly two hours and did not end with a job offer but I thought the experience would be beneficial down the road. The second interview lasted about three hours; while it did not end up with a job offer, I was offered volunteer work until a paying position becomes available.

I have also had the privilege of going to the Museum Of Modern Art, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, and Brooklyn Museum. Not since I was child had I ever stepped foot in a museum and was immediately fascinated by the art and history it represented. Going to the movies for the first time was absolutely amazing and I was really surprised by how much things had changed. You now could use machines to purchase tickets for the movies, as opposed to 1985, where tickets were purchased at a ticket window. During my recent stay in California, I went to see the Pacific Ocean where I actually saw whales in the distance. I also experienced wine tasting for the first time. I immediately learned that it is good to spit the wine out after a period of time. The idea is not to get drunk. I enjoy going to restaurants and eating different types of foods. I happen to like Thai food the best, probably because I have eaten it the most. So far, I have had Thai, Indian, Mediterranean, and Mexican foods.

Being able to eat at so many different restaurants is a thrill for me. Just learning the etiquette of handling the experience of eating out of a restaurant has been a learning experience as well. A lot of things that I have done for the first time have been exciting and frustrating at the same time. I remember around the second day after my release, a few of my childhood buddies came around to wish me well. They offered to take me to a strip club and offered me money but I respectfully declined those offers because I did not want to put myself in those kinds of positions. In prison, one has plenty of time to think; and thinking I did so I was able to chart a short –term and long-term plan. None of my plans involve nonsense. I simply did not want to go down that road again. I have not seen them since that time which told me that I absolutely made the right decision.

My friends used to tell me that owning a car in New York is a waste of time. On some levels I agree with them but I do see the importance of learning how to drive. I’m learning that public transportation can be a hassle at times. Just the other day, coming from work, I got a preview of what the subway is going to feel like in the summer as it was extremely hot. I’m one to sometimes get frustrated when I am very hot; but that was in prison. I assumed it would be different on the outside. I don’t have much to complain about. I am learning very quickly in terms of navigating the public transportation system. Since my release, I still write down travel instructions so that I won’t get lost because things have changed a lot since 1985.

While I have been doing okay since my release, there are some issues that I am struggling with. Finding employment was difficult but persistence and willingness to do volunteer work paid off. My initial goal was to work with young people but I’m finding that the opportunities for doing that kind of work is very limited. Still, I think I’ll have that opportunity with Manhattan Legal Aid.

I’d like to publicly thank Professor Laura Cohen of the Rutgers Legal clinic for all her help in finding employment and outside assistance. She is a very resourceful and well connected person. Immediately after my release, I would have been totally lost if not for the assistance of two Rutgers Law Students (Shashwat Dave and Gary Risha) who helped me obtain my identification, social security card and passport .